VOICE OVER: A few years ago the motion picture
industry brought you Academy award winner Meryl Streep in the heart-wrenching
tale of an Australian woman who claimed her baby daughter was carried off by
a wild dingo. Well, we here at White Label Humour knew it was way too cool of
a premise to let go. So this summer we bring you Cry in the Dark: The
Series. Each week the same Australian woman has a baby carried off by a
different wild Outback animal or some far away evil political conspiracy.
FADE DOWN Midnight Oil's
"Read about It"
EFFECT: Phone rings. Sound of person picking up
receiver.
OFFICER: G'day. Maralinga Police Station, Officer
Wallabie Dundee speaking. Now slow down, ma'am. Just the facts, ma'am. You
say your baby has been carried off by a wild animal? What kind of animal,
ma'am? (beat) A rhinoceros? I'm pretty sure a rhinoceros is not indigenous to
Australia,
ma'am
(pause)
No, it couldn't do that. It's an island continent, ma'am.
Yes, I'm sure. No, they don't swim either ma'am. I am trained to know about
these things. I'm an officer of the law.
(pause)
No, ma'am we still haven't found your other baby that was
carried off last week by the emu. No, ma'am, we've not found the baby from
the week earlier which was carried off by the marauding tree sloth. Although,
I'm in no hurry on that one. If the tree sloth eats the baby, its metabolism
is so slow we can come in any place along the alimentary canal and save it.
(pause)
No ma'am the baby carried off by the man in the hockey
mask is still missing. We're dragging the lake. Should turn up any day.
(beat) Mmmmmm... no ma'am. We suspect the striking
Canadian truck drivers carried off you other baby. They still aren't
satisfied their government is doing enough to keep them on a
even competitive field with their American counter parts. So they're still
holding on to the baby.
(pause)
No ma'am we haven't found your new born that was kidnapped
by the Irish Republican Army last month when they mistook him for a British
soldier on holiday. There's a lot of that been happening lately, ma'am, so
you'll just have to be patient.
(pause)
I know, ma'am, if I had children of my own I could
understand your grief but I don't so I can only do my job and hope for the
best.
(pause)
Yes, ma'am, we did find the baby that was carried off to
aluminum recycling plant by the two men in the big truck. Now, ma'am, I hope
you're sitting down. They claim the baby was left at the curb, sleeping in
the blue recycle box under a pile of rusty cans with sharp edges. (beat) NO
NO I'm not blaming you, ma'am, but I think you can see yourself by now a
pattern of inattentiveness emerging. You should not have been using the
recycle box as a crib.
(pause)
Yes, I know we have to learn from our mistakes. No, no... we've not found that yet-another newborn baby which was
carried off by those Roman centurions. Although, we're pretty sure we know on
who's orders they were acting on. A bloke by the
name of King Herod. He lived about 2000 years ago in Palestine.
(beat) Yep, all the male infants under the age of two put to the sword. I
thought you'd have heard of him, a nice church going lady like yourself.
(pause)
Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am if we find anything I'll let you
know. And keep in mind, ma'am you're still young. If it comes to the worst,
you can always have more children, although I might put in for a transfer.
Alright, love, you get some rest and let me take care of everything. G'day.