Dr Karl - Plight of Angela X
CUE DR KARL THEME
DR. KARL: It's time once again for my showcase piece, where my talent, my gift comes to the fore, and is recognized by the medical community. Terry did you see me on that Amazing Randi special?
TERRY: I did. You won the $100,000 challenge.
DR. KARL: Indeed. I took that blind man and made him less blind.
TERRY: You made him walk a straight line.
DR. KARL: Okay so we got a letter. Another wounded soul that needs my healing power, my ability to forgive great sins, sins no mainstream church will even touch.
TERRY: It's a powerful talent you have. This ability to heal by forgiveness.
DR. KARL: It's a gift for God really. Okay so please read the letter.
SOUNDS OF AN ENVELOPE BEING TORN OPEN. PAPER BEING UNFOLDED. TERRY READS THE LETTER.
Dear Doctor Karl,
I knew this guy for a couple days before we became engaged. I was 22 and he was 41. He promised me the world. And I believed him. But my whole life fell apart after marriage when I discovered he was addicted -- ADDICTED TO MODEL TRAINS! Yes, he was an HO Scale enthusiast.
Dr Karl, when he promised me the world, I thought he meant the real world. Not a world where one inch equals seven feet. I've lived in rags while he's spent thousands of our dollars on cabooses that glow in the dark, miniature cars that get smashed apart as they try to barrel across guarded crossings, and systems of tracks where life-like cows spring up and are ground to burger under the might of a charging miniature steam engine.
He's even stolen some of my jewelry and sold it to finance a trip to a convention! When I confronted him with this he turned his back, walked away, muttering something about bringing back the Crow Rate and how you can't get Chinese immigrants to dig tunnels through the Rocky mountains for a bowl of rice these days -- they got to get recent Bachelor of Fine Arts graduates to do that now.
I thought things would get better when he had our first child. I thought our newborn son would divert his mind from his trains. But when the nurse came in saying "here is your newborn son, Chessie System" I knew I was horribly mistaken. Dr Karl, I wanted to name our first child John Bon Jovi Holgenstein not Chessie System! Even worse, Dr Karl, his father's ways have gotten to him. His first words were not "mommy" or "daddy" but "all aboard!"
Things degenerated even further with my husband. He started building papier-mâché mountains. He would come up in the middle of the night smelling of flour, newsprint, and Elmers glue and he'd want to make love. Long ago I tried to stop sleeping with him. He was pressuring me to have more children. Dr Karl, I know children are a gift from God, but I could not bear to bring another child into this household when he persisted in calling them "rolling stock".
One day I had enough. I filled a plastic windshield washer bottle full of gasoline at the local 7-11, poured it on him while he slept, and lit him on fire.
So the problem I bring to you, Dr Karl, is Chessie and I have been on the run for a long time and we're tired of running. You, being a religious man and used to the inner workings of the court system, can tell me if there's any jury in the world that would convict me for my actions. Is there, Dr Karl?
Signed Angela X
DR KARL: I believe a long time ago there used to be Biblical precedence where a man could fill a windshield washer fluid jug full of gasoline and light his wife on fire. However, in this new secular court system, the rules have flipped. I think if you just came clean, told the court this tale of suffering, you should get off.
CUE DR KARL CLOSING THEME
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Dr Karl Theme