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Ernie and Lucy






Excuse me, ma'am. My name is Ernie and I'd like to see the psychiatrist, Dr Lucy Van Pelt, please.

LUCY: Did you have an appointment?

ERNIE: I didn't. I don't. I mean you didn't look busy.

LUCY: Let me check my appointment schedule. I had some round-headed kid named Brown booked for this hour but I saw him and his kite caught up in a tree on my way over here. So I don't suppose he's going to come. I can fit you in.

ERNIE: Oh thank you very much.

LUCY: Five cents please.

ERNIE: Do you take OHIP?

LUCY: Yes but I'm still going to have to extra bill you for five cents.

ERNIE: Wait a minute. I didn't think you could do that.

LUCY: I'M NO GOVERNMENT CIVIL SERVANT. I'm well within the law to charge you for miscellaneous accessories like tongue depressors, stationary, and psychoactive drugs.

ERNIE: Drugs! You're not going to use drugs on me are you? You don't even know anything about me yet.

LUCY: Nah. I cut out messing around with that stuff when my CIA grants all dried up. Could I have your name and could I get you to sign this waiver?

ERNIE: Sure... wait... waiver? What's the waiver for?

LUCY: (to self) Manifests signs of paranoid delusion.

ERNIE: What's that?

LUCY: Don't mind me. Just writing something down. The waiver is really nothing. I just like to have waivers on hand in the event my self-help books gets published or the Oprah show answers my letters.

ERNIE: Oprah? I'm not going to be on Oprah am I? I don't want to sign anything!

LUCY: (to self) Anal fixation.


LUCY: (whacking sound) Those are my confidential client notes. Don't worry. In the event we get on Oprah, I'll be the one in the spotlight. You can be behind a screen. Now tell me about your mother.

ERNIE: I don't want to talk about my mother. Let's go back to Oprah. I want to get this straightened out before I say anything.

LUCY: Please sir, if you're going to be this defensive about simple questions, I don't think I can offer any help. Five cents please.

ERNIE: Wait a minute. I haven't even told you anything. Don't I at least get my hour?

LUCY: Very well. Let it not be said that Lucy Van Pelt turned away a person seeking psychiatric treatment.

ERNIE: I don't really need treatment. I just need advice. I'm more here for a friend than for myself, you see.

LUCY: (to self) Hmmm... friend ... possible multiple personality disorder. Will work on developing more personalities for future book. I think Sybil had 12, I'm going to shoot for 14.

ERNIE: There she goes with the writing again.

LUCY: Sir, I am a trained professional. I have never had to use the butterfly net or the tranquilizer gun on any of my patients.

ERNIE: Oh you must be very proud. Although I don't see a diploma anywhere on the wall.

LUCY: Now tell me about this imaginary friend of yours. Does he or she have a name?

ERNIE: Yes, his name is Bert. But he's real. He's not imaginary.

LUCY: (to self) Patient cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality. (to Ernie) Tell me, in what mood do you call yourself "Bert"?

ERNIE: No no. My name is Ernie. I thought I mentioned that already.

LUCY: (to self) Patient has difficulty understanding the concept of self. (to Ernie) So "Ernie" have you ever seen the movie Harvey, starring Jimmy Stewart?

ERNIE: Oh I seen that one! That's a great movie. Let me tell you about it, doctor. Jimmy Stewart had a friend who was a giant rabbit named Harvey but no one believed him, so they wanted to lock him up in a sanitarium. Oh yeah, that's one of my favorites. (Ernie does trademark snickering laugh).

LUCY: (to self) Oh good! Oprah is really going to eat this up. (to Ernie) So "Ernie" would you describe what this "friend" looks like, especially when you look in a mirror?

ERNIE: Uhh. That's a tricky one. Bert is about... Well he's about... Well, Bert is tall.

LUCY: You don't know how tall he is?

ERNIE: No. I don't remember if I've ever actually measured him.

LUCY: So when you're Bert you don't remember anything do you!

ERNIE: Um. What do you mean?

LUCY: Let's take this from a slightly different angle. How much does he weigh?

ERNIE: I don't know that either. He's very touchy about his weight. He's afraid to gain foam. He's very tall and slim, however. He has yellow skin. And there's a black tuft of hair at the top of his head, which is pointed by the way. His head is cone shaped. He looks like a big Minuteman missile. He has two eyes but no eyelids. And he has one eyebrow.

LUCY: You said his head resembles a rocket?

ERNIE: Yes. A missile.

LUCY: (to self) May be experiencing hallucinatory close encounters with beings from outer space in reaction to stress. (to Ernie) And just one eyebrow you say?

ERNIE: Yes. It goes straight across his forehead. Bert is a rather swarthy fellow.

LUCY: I see. What else can you tell me?

ERNIE: He wears a vertically striped shirt, see mine is horizontal. His arms never move. It's not like they just hang there by his side. It's more like they're pinned to the sides of his body. See he had a fight with Frank Oz in a bar a few years ago and Bert came out of it on the short end. I'm sad to say.

LUCY: Yes, this is a sad case. See most of the patients I see that have "friends" they don't usually paint them out to be so pathetic.

ERNIE: See that's why I'm here. Bert is not usually so pathetic. Bert is a great guy, when he's not yelling. But ever since Mr Hooper died, Bert has not been able to keep it together.

LUCY: I think I follow. After this Mr Hooper died, you started seeing this Bert person?

ERNIE: No no. I've lived with Bert for years.

LUCY: Let me ask you this "Ernie". And please be honest. This falls under strict client-patient confidentiality. Do you ever remember killing anyone, especially a person named Mr Hooper?

ERNIE: No. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that. The worst thing I can remember doing, and I really regret this, I did forget Rubber Ducky in a closet once for a whole week.

LUCY: Rubber Ducky, is that your child?

ERNIE: Oh no. He's my little friend. I play with him in the bath. I squeeze him and rub him. He makes this noise when I squeeze him hard.

LUCY: (to self) Alert Family Services.

ERNIE: You've started that writing again.

LUCY: I'm going to try a bit of client-centered psychoanalysis. You just stay put in that chair. I'm going to tie you down.

ERNIE: Oh. Is this some kind of gestalt therapy?

LUCY: Let's say it's more like role playing. (makes grunting sounds) Those knots are not too tight are they?

ERNIE: (makes struggling sounds)

LUCY: Is that nice and snug?

ERNIE: Well yeah. Umm.

LUCY: Try to get free.

ERNIE: (makes very loud struggling sounds) No, I can't get free at all. These are mighty good knots you've tied there doctor.

LUCY: Good. I'm just going to make a phone call here.

ERNIE: Fine. I'm not going anywhere. (Ernie does trademark snickering laugh)

LUCY: (on phone) Hello family service bureau? (we hear Peanuts adult "wah wah" nonsense speech) Yes, he's tied down. (we hear Peanuts adult "wah wah" nonsense speech) Possible pedophile. (we hear Peanuts adult "wah wah" nonsense speech) Yes he could be a mass murder too. (we hear Peanuts adult "wah wah" nonsense speech) So send the cops. (we hear Peanuts adult "wah wah" nonsense speech) I'll keep an eye on him. (we hear Peanuts adult "wah wah" nonsense speech) Bye.

ERNIE: Who are you talking to there?

LUCY: Nobody. You stay there. I'm going to wait by the street.

ERNIE: Don't leave me! I think I'm losing circulation here. Is my hour up?







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