This skit was based on my grandmother. Terry noticed
that my grandmother always referred to herself in the third person. She
always called herself "Grandma". My grandmother loved baking and
cooking but once her own kids had moved out she never got to cook enough. She
still cooked, but after eating a small portion, she sealed the leftovers in tupperware and put it in her freezer. My mother, although
divorced, was still warmly accepted by her former mother-in-law and still
remained very much part of the family. Even when my mother remarried, her new
husband Wilf quickly became a favorite
of my grandma. Wilf had a bottomless appetite.
Whenever they went over to visit, my grandmother would begin defrosting piles
of food for Wilf, which Wilf
would gladly pack away.
RECEPTIONIST:(tinny intercom sound) Mr
LAWYER: Yes Mrs Jones?
RECEPTIONIST: There's a woman here who wants to see
you. She claims to be your grandmother.
LAWYER: My grandmother? Oh I know who she is, Mrs.
Jones. She's just one of my clients. Don't mind her. She's a bit crazy, like
GRANDMA: (muffled, from behind door) GRANDMA
HEARD THAT YOUNG MAN!
RECEPTIONIST: She's coming in!
EFFECT OF SOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND
GRANDMA: Grandma doesn't like to be called names.
But grandma know how young men like to show off to girls by heaping abuse on
the elderly. Grandma forgives you! Hrmph!
LAWYER: I umm well I umm --
GRANDMA: Why did you call grandma down to your law
office, young man, besides to exhibit in front your secretary your
life-and-death powers over a defenseless old woman
like grandma who you never come over to visit on Sundays to have tea and lasagna or to even cut grandma's lawn for twenty dollars
which is too much money and grandma can't afford to pay but grandma makes you
take the twenty dollars anyway.
LAWYER: It's about the latest revision to your
will, Mrs Smith.
GRANDMA: GRANDMA DOESN'T GO BY THAT NAME ANY MORE
GRANDMA:(angry) Grandma changed grandma's
name because grandma doesn't want to have the same name as those ungrateful
children who grandma slaved to the bone for all those years and then once
they leave the nest they move to other cities and have grandchildren who want
to visit their grandma but they never bring them over and it's not like
grandma never sends Christmas and birthday and Easter cards laden with ten
dollar bills oh no but does grandma even get a visit or a phone call or a
thank you note or grandma's grass cut? No! Grandma just sits by the phone
waiting to hear that the grandchildren are coming over for a visit and some
pop and candy and cheesecake. But grandma never gets that call so grandma has
changed her name and grandma has disowned them! (pause, changes to sweet
tone in her voice) That's why grandma changed grandma's name.
LAWYER:Ummm as your
lawyer. Why wasn't I informed you made this declaration? Now all your legal
documents will have to be revised.
GRANDMA: You're mumbling young man. BUT DON'T
RAISE YOUR VOICE TO GRANDMA EITHER, YOUNG MAN!
GRANDMA PAYS YOU BIG BUCKS TO KEEP YOU ON RETAINER.
LAWYER: I'm sorry. What name do you go by now?
GRANDMA: "Passion Flower". Want Grandma
to spell that for you?
LAWYER: I think I know how to spell that.
GRANDMA: But you can just call me grandma, since
grandma's grandchildren never get the chance to use it. It's nice to hear it
once in a while.
LAWYER: Miss Flower --
GRANDMA: -- Grandma.
LAWYER: Grandma, about your will.
GRANDMA: You know God will deal with them in the
GRANDMA: You know who grandma is talking about, young
man! Grandma's children who have stolen away grandma's grandchildren and the
only happiness grandma has in grandma's old age,
besides bingo. They will one day die and stand before God Himself and the
Lord will ask them why they hid grandma's grandchildren from grandma and what
do you think they will say?
maybe if I can just get you to sign --
GRANDMA: THEY WILL ASK GOD TO FORGIVE THEM IN THE
CHRISTIAN SPIRIT! They'll say they didn't mean to hide grandma's
grandchildren. That's what they'll say! But grandma will die first and beat
them there and grandma will be standing right beside God and grandma will
remind God that she never missed church in 72 years and God will remember He
is a God of VENGEANCE, like in the Old Testament, and He shall cast grandma's
children into a fiery pit of hell -- of heck. Excuse grandma's French. (pause)
That's how God will deal with them.
LAWYER: Look maybe you'd rather not discuss this
now. Maybe I could have you talk to a couple doctor friends. They'll sign a
paper that allows me to handle all your property assignments while you get
the rest that you need.
GRANDMA: There's nothing wrong with m-- grandma! I
almost said "me". Why don't you just quit getting grandma so upset
and tell grandma why you had grandma take three busses to come down here to
LAWYER: As I've been trying to tell you. I have
some questions about the latest revisions to your will.
GRANDMA: Did grandma spell "diddly squat" wrong?
LAWYER: The spelling was fine. Some of the
provisions of this will might not seem like the last wishes of, shall I say,
a competent mind.
LAWYER: As your lawyer I have to ensure this will
is valid and there are no grounds for your heirs to contest it.
GRANDMA: What parts do you have problems with?
Maybe grandma's sentence structure has confused you. Grandma went to school
during the First World War, you know. There was a shortage of English
teachers. They were all in the cities in the factories making big bucks. Grandma
was taught grammar lessons by the barber. He gave haircuts and pulled teeth
at recess too. Hrm. Those were the days. A full
LAWYER: Let's just get started right here at the
beginning. It says in your will you're giving $20,000 to the Roman Catholic
dioceses on the condition, and I quote, "they continue to positively
reinforce the teachings of The Church with the divine motivator --
GUILT!" How am I supposed to let that stand in a legal document?
GRANDMA: Grandma supposes it's a little redundant
anyway since they've traditionally used guilt to motivate their followers.
Okay you can cross out that condition. Is that it? Can grandma go now?
Grandma has an appointment at three to have more blue added to her hair.
LAWYER: Just be patient
please. Okay here's another one I'm having some trouble with. You're leaving
$10,000 to your mail man, a "Mr. Post". Is he a relative?
GRANDMA: Of course not! He VISITS grandma! In fact
he visits grandma every day. That's why grandma is putting him in grandma's
will. He takes time out of his daily route to talk to a lonely old lady, like
grandma, and have a cup of tea and piece of poundcake
and some toast and jam and three eggs (soft over easy) and some pancakes with
maple syrup and chocolate chip waffles with banana slices on top plus half a
pound of bacon, a grapefruit, a glass of milk, freshly squeezed orange juice,
some coffee and then we watch The Edge of Night and then he leaves.
LAWYER: $10,000 for that?
GRANDMA: Oh no. Grandma also packs him a lunch in
case he gets hungry later in the day. Oh he's so pale and thin. Or he used to
be until grandma strengthened him up to the tune of 300 pounds.
LAWYER: Look I think I need more justification than
that. I can't present gastronomical excess to a
jury. Your heirs could claim Mr. Post was taking advantage of you.
your mouth, young man, or grandma will wash it out with soap!
LAWYER: That's not what I was implying.
GRANDMA: Well, just watch it anyway. Grandma
doesn't want to have to take grandma's business elsewhere!
LAWYER: Okay never mind the mail man then.
GRANDMA: Right, he's none of your business.
LAWYER: Okay item three here. Why are you giving
the public library $1,000 to buy bibles. Wouldn't you
rather give new bibles to your church?
GRANDMA: Churches have hundreds of bibles but no
one ever reads them, except the priest. He's a man. People go to the library,
however, to read books so I thought it would be better if they had lots of
bibles and less smut for people to read, especially for young children, like
LAWYER: I guess there's nothing wrong with that. It
just sounds a bit loopy.
GRANDMA: What did you say? You're mumbling again,
LAWYER: Nothing. I guess the library will
appreciate any kind of contribution, especially since they've had to take a
lot of books out of circulation that have been mysteriously damaged with
GRANDMA: Grandma wouldn't know anything about that,
young man! I don't like the way you mumble! It's suspicious, even for a
lawyer! (pause) Grandma doesn't want to talk about it. Is there
LAWYER: Just one more item here. It's a bequeathment to a group called "the Rosary
Murderers". Is that some kind of Central American paramilitary group?
GRANDMA: No. They're the ladies auxiliary group at
LAWYER: Then why have you left them $50,000 to
purchase an "armor-plated assault K-Car" for the neighborhood watch program?
GRANDMA: It's not just for the K-Car. It's for
special surveillance tools like cameras and infrared lenses and wire-tapping
LAWYER: Now, Miss Flower ... err ... grandma. Why
would a neighborhood watch
need surveillance equipment?
GRANDMA: TO CATCH SINNERS! The police can handle
all the crime -- ha mere criminals -- we want to protect our neighborhood from all the pre-marital sins against God
that happen every single day behind closed doors. Trudeau said the government
had no business in the bedrooms of the nations but he didn't say anything
about grandmas and their ladies auxiliary groups! We're not afraid to round
up the whore mongerers and the pornographers and
the people who watch cable TV. That's why grandma is leaving the ladies
auxiliary so much money. When grandma departs from this mortal plane to be
with Jesus, the ladies auxiliary is going to need a bigger battering ram to
smash down the doors of sinners. And grandma wants them to buy one of those
TASER guns. It's too hard to stun a sinner with a swinging umbrella.
LAWYER: You can't be serious! What you're proposing
is against the law.
GRANDMA: Oh, whose law, Mr. Smarty pants hot shot
lawyer. Man's law or God's law?
LAWYER: But grandma, the courts won't see it that
GRANDMA: Grandma will be vindicated by a higher
court on the true day of judgment.
LAWYER: I can't believe it. This will is going to
be contested in court for years. If you want any hope of this will being
valid, you'll have to leave your blood relations something, even if it's just
a token sum.
GRANDMA: Well, grandma left them some money.
LAWYER: No. It says here you left your
granddaughter $100 on the condition she uses it to buy the extra large "Kingdom
of Heaven" crosses to put on
the walls of her room.
GRANDMA: That's the biggest size cross they can
sell for wall hanging, without it pulling down the plaster. She's going to
need those crosses for when she gets into high school and starts dating boys.
Grandma read an article in the Grandmother's for a Guilt Ridden Society
newsletter that claims the sex drives of young pubescent girls and boys is
diminished the bigger the crosses they have in their room. It's scientific
too because it follows the inverse ratio theory.
LAWYER: Alright. If you're not going to make major
changes to this will then all I can really advise you as your lawyer is you
give away your money now before you die.
GRANDMA: Grandma thinks that's a good idea, young
man. Why shouldn't grandma teach those children a lesson while she's still
alive! You're not such a bad lawyer after all, young man. Why don't you come
over to grandma's house and grandma will make you some coffee and some cake
and ice cream and maybe later grandma will show you how to mow a lawn right.
LAWYER: Gee. I don't know, grandma. I have to take
my Ferrari to the shop to have the starter looked at.
GRANDMA: That's okay. Grandma is an authorized
Ferrari mechanic. Maybe grandma can earn a few dollars off of Grandma's legal
fees at the same time.
LAWYER: We can work something out.
GRANDMA: Alright. Let's go. (fade down) You
don't eat enough!