Spine & Skrag the Motor Philosophers: Windsor
Carousel of Nations
FADE UP BLUES MUSIC, FADE DOWN
CUE SOUNDS OF
BIRDS CHIRPING. INDICATES CHARACTERS ARE OUT DOORS.
SKRAG: Errrr, Spine where should I put these
baseball caps?
SPINE: Some place highly visible.
SKRAG: Like my head?
SPINE: Nobody looks at you, Skrag! Besides you
couldn't put them all up on your head like that. There are far too many of
them. Put them on the table next to those tshirts. (UNDER BREATH TO SELF)
I can't believe that guy asks so many questions. You'd think running a
Carrousel of Nations village would come natural to him. But it appears I gots
to over see all of this myself.
SKRAG: Hey Spine, the delivery truck just came
with all the traditional food. Where should I puts
the stuff?
SPINE: In that fridge in my garage.
SKRAG: You really think us investing all our
time and money in a Carrousel village is all worth it? I mean holding it in
your garage doesn't seem the best location. Will people even know where to
find us?
SPINE: I don't suspect people are going to have
much trouble, Skrag. The police, the RCMP, the treasury, the OSAP cops,
disgruntled ex-girlfriends, they never have a hard time finding my garage and
where I live 'n' stuff and I'm actively trying to hide from them. So why
should the general public, unaware of my various financial and emotional
crimes, have a hard time finding us when I wants to be found? QED, ergo.
SKRAG: I still think holding this under the Peabody bridge was a much better idea.
SPINE: Yeah true. It would have given it a
certain Windsor traditional cultural mosaic ethnic
flavor, or at least given our food the taste of cement and asbestos dust, but
I think my garage has certain advantages.
SKRAG: Err like what?
SPINE: I don't have to waste a lot of gas
getting there. I just wake up, and here I am in our own little carrousel of
nations! For the first time someone is representing Windsor's culture!
SKRAG: True dat, but do you think we're the best
ones to put on this Windsor village?
SPINE: Well, of course, buddy o' mine! First, we
thought of it. And who else represents the history, heritage, lifestyle, and
socio-cultural vestiges of Windsor. I own a Camero and you drink a lot of
American beer.
SKRAG: Hey, I never thoughts of it that way. We
are pretty much the only two Windsorites that are fully representative of our
culture. But do you think anyones gonna come?
SPINE: Yeah! Sure they is!
We gots all the stuff ready and I did the market research. I even put up a
flyer some place. Oh wait, that was that flyer I put up for that Van Halen
cover band playing at the Drop In Tavern. Well, anyway, we should get at
least two people here as I got a confirmation from the Windsor Star that they
were sending down Ted Shaw, you know their only respectable writer...
although he looks like he can barely make a fist, and award winning
photographer Grant Black.
SOUND OF CAR
SPINE: I think that's thems now!
SKRAG: They sure do got
a cruddy car.
SPINE: Take it easy, some of us has gotta drive
an '89 Lebaron. Not all of can tear up the road in the Spine Racing Bug, a 74
VW with a souped up chrome-plated Porsche engine and rear mag tires bigger
than Bob Talbert.
SKRAG: You're so good at putting a sense of
order in the world, Spine.
SOUND OF CAMERA AUTOWINDER AND SHUTTER
TED: Get those photos grant. Hello gentleman. (PAUSE)
Are we here too early?
SPINE: No just on time, Windsor media personalities. We gots the
traditional Windsor foods all set to go. Traditional Windsor native costumes all set for sale, right
next to the traditional Windsor keychains, and, and... I forgots something...oh yeah, the traditional
Windsor music. HIT IT, SCRAG.
SKRAG: This stuff here?
SPINE: Yeah.
SKRAG: Not the Petula stuff right?
SPINE:No no none of
dat.
SOUND OF THRASH METAL
SPINE:(SHOUTING OVER THRASH METAL) Oh
yeah that's the stuff. So like Ted maybe later after we drinks enough we'll
put on a demonstration of traditional Windsor dancing.
SPINE: We gots on all choreographed for ya. It's
called the Drop In Tavern Stupor Grope 'n' Slap. It's sort of a wilder,
nakeder, drunker, more violent version of clogging, except the woman with the
biggest, errr, hairdo wins a night of men throwing up on her and she has to
take refuge in the girls' room but ends up going home with some monster
although not before she has to drag him from a parking lot fight that erupts
after closing time and he eventually marries her and makes her life
miserable. I guess you could call it Windsor's version of a fertility dance, like eh?
SKRAG: Uhhh, Spine? I'm turning this music down
cause like the neighbors are looking at us.
SPINE: I'm only shoutin' so I can be heard.
SKRAG: Yeah, but it's not like this is Ouellette avenue or something, eh?
SPINE: Oh, I forgot.
THRASH METAL FADES DOWN A BIT
SKRAG: Hey, Mr Shaw, sorry I can't play more of
this traditional Windsor music but can I offer you a sample of our native ethnic Windsor food?
TED: Sure.
SOUND OF CAMERA AUTOWINDER AND SHUTTER
TED: Get a shot of this.
SKRAG: Okay you gots your choice of Molson's,
Labatt's, or Miller.
SOUND OF CAMERA AUTOWINDER AND SHUTTER
TED: Is that all? Just beer?
SPINE: I gots some potato chips under that couch
in my garage. I been hiding them from my kid sister
for a week now. She's got exams and she's under a lot of stress. Just can't
have chips in the house. Want some? I'll open a bag right here. Salt &
Vinegar! It's pretty rational food.
TED: Aren't you guys supposed to serve things
like gyros or sea bass baked in a Mexican clay oven or something? You know,
not stuff you just buy at the 7-11.
SPINE: Whoa, boy. You media big shots thinks you knows everything. Let me tell you. After
careful analysis of every kind of food, the only food with its roots in Windsor is, ummm, beer.
SKRAG: Yeah and perogies.
SPINE: Oh yeah that too. But like my grandmother
refused to make nine or ten thousand perogies for this village so we had to
go without. Like maybe next year.
TED: Of course. Okay, we're going to leave
now. I've got a play to review. It's put on the by Windsor Feminist Mother's Alliance for Christ Secularist Theatre Company. So
you know they're going to be needing an audience.
SKRAG: Oh wait. Just a second Mr Shaw. (TO
SPINE) Spine, this ain't going good. Show him the traditional Windsor costumes.
SPINE: Ah, costumes. Yeah yeah.
TED: See you later guys.
SPINE: Wai-wai-wait. Ted, pal, come over here. Beer
ain't the only thing endemic to Windsor. Windsor's gots a long history of being on the
cutting edge of fashion. See over on this plywood table.
TED: Yesssss.
SPINE: This is all baseball caps and tshirts you
can get at the tshirt shop on Ouellette avenue. You know, hand lettered by my cousin
Spore. Just look at that craftsmanship.
SKRAG: And see all these baseball caps? These is all guaranteed to be authentically worn by
Windsorites as they goes about their daily lives.
SPINE: That's damn right. Skrag is a sociology major so he knows what he's talkin' about.
Like look at this baseball cap. It says "Miami Police Department. It's
practically a classic now. A Windsorite, he'd wear this to Charley's Tavern
before getting' into a fight by the batting cages.
SKRAG: This one here, it says "Dallas
Police Department". You could find this on a Windsorite's head as he was
going into a job interview.
SPINE: And this one right here that says
"Los Angeles Police department" --
SKRAG: Oh that's a nice one!
SPINE: Yeah, that would be worn by a Windsorite
when he's going to a Wedding or a prom. You don't wear this one while goin'
to dinner at Trevis or nuthin'.
SKRAG: Of course no real Windsorite is completely
dressed for the occasion unless he's wearin' some tshirts.
SPINE: That's right. Most of these tshirts are
of original design. They all have original, witty sayings designed to make
other Windsorites think you is a witty person for buying the tshirt. Take a
look at this one here.
SKRAG: That's a good one, show him that.
SPINE: Yes. Maybe Ted would like to get Grant to
take a photo of him wearing this tshirt that says "I treat women like
postage stamps: I pick 'em, I lick 'em, and I stick 'em".
SOUND OF CAMERA AUTOWINDER AND SHUTTER
SKRAG: You're not laughing, Mr. Shaw.
SPINE: Call him Ted, he likes that.
SKRAG: You're not laughing Ted. Maybe he didn't
hear it, Spine. Say it louder this time.
SPINE: I said, "I treat women like postage
stamps: I pick 'em, I lick 'em, and I stick 'em". Yeah get a picture of
that Grant... or are you too busy stealing souls again.
SKRAG: You're looking a bit uptight, Mr Shaw.
Maybe you should have that brew.
SPINE: How about this final one. I been holding out on you, Ted. Take a look at this one.
It's got a picture of a man holding his penis. It says below "when in
doubt, whip it out!" I mean, come on, a picture says a thousand words...
or one two three four five six... six words in this case.
SKRAG:Those is words
to live by. Don't you agree, Mr. Shaw?
TED: It's getting all a bit philosophical for
me. Maybe I should leave this all to Marty Gervais and his religion page. He
could do an article on local abominations.
SKRAG: Maybe Mr. Gervais would be interested in
Spine's theory. Tell him about your theory.
SPINE: Oh yeah, I gots this theory about what
makes a lewd and witty tshirt. It's all in the rhyme. I could just put
something crude on a tshirt like... ummm... gimme something crude to say, Skrag.
I'm too cultured. Gimme something off the cuff.
SKRAG: Uhhh... "Welfare recipients spend
all their time drinking cases of brew and watching big screen color
televisions." That's pretty off the cuff.
SPINE: Yeah that's pretty stupid. See nothing rhymes
so it don't work. Now if you said all that in rhyme
it would like work. So like see? Would you guys like that there brewski now?
TED: Nah, that's alright. I think have a enough. Right, Grant?
GRANT: No, a couple more.
TED: What?
GRANT: My relatives aren't going to believe
this.
SOUND OF
CAMERA AUTOWINDER AND SHUTTER AND FADE OUT.