************************************************************** * * * CYBERSPACE * * A biweekly column on net culture appearing * * in the Toronto Sunday Sun * * * * Copyright 1999 Karl Mamer * * Free for online distribution * * All Rights Reserved * * Direct comments and questions to: * * * * * ************************************************************** In my spare time, I collect jargon. I know that sounds strange but when you hit your thirties and you're still single, you begin to do odd things. Unlike, say, collecting stamps from Tonga, collecting jargon is a pursuit without end. Engineers and programmers can crank out jargon like no others. When they're trying to be cute, the gag factor can be truly unbearable. Consider: "Java" (not bad in itself but a font for far too many unbearable coffee allusions), "mouse" (see Java), and "nybble" (which is half a byte). In the world of computer jargon, I've noticed "ware" (as in hardware/software) has proven to be a most useful suffix. Below are the various ware words I'm aware of use in the computer industry: FREEWARE: Programmers are generous people but they are not very good with money. In the olden days programmers toiled away to create highly useful utilities and modem protocols and then just give them away (called "releasing into the public domain"). Freeware, free software, abounded. Some programmers, however, were lured into selling their creations or services to greedy corporations. These programmers found themselves driving fast sports cars that attracted equally fast women. Their friends who were still releasing their creations to the public domain found only respect from males aged 14-25. SHAREWARE: Shareware, of course, is software released under a "try before you buy" scheme. If you wish to continue to use it after a certain preview period you must send in a fee to the author. Much shareware goes unregistered because computer people, having to continually buy bigger hard drives, more memory, and new peripherals, are permanently cash poor. BONUSWARE: Sometimes shareware vendors are so overjoyed that you have actually registered their program, or so crave friendship, they'll send you additional software as a bonus. CRIPPLEWARE: Shareware with some features stripped out. You must register the product to get the fully functional version. The theory is to allow the user to get a good idea of what the program can do without actually allowing the user to do anything with it. In reality, crippleware is so irritating the last thing a user would ever consider is ordering a registered version. SHELFWARE: Hardware or software that never really had a purpose in the first place but killer "brochureware" convinced management of its utility. SHOVELWARE: Shovelware is cheap, nearly useless software that many vendors bundle in quantity with their hardware. Shovelware's sole function is to allow the marketing people to slap "includes $500 worth of free software" on the side of the box. They never say exactly who would be cretinous enough pay to $500 for the software. VAPOURWARE: Vaporware is hardware or software that is heavily advertised or repeatedly promised but fails to materialize, disappearing into the vapor. Computer magazines have a notorious track record of promoting vaporware. Years ago one computer magazine gave a home computer its "Most Bang for the Buck" award, based on a mock-up of a machine the editors saw. The full-color, full-page ads the computer company ran in the magazine featuring actor Roger Moore, no doubt, helped tip the award in favor of this piece of vaporware. WETWARE: Software and hardware ultimately cannot run without wetware: the human user. Wetware is applied as a pejorative term as many programmers have a low regard for the abilities of the people who actually use the software. Users tend to whine a lot, discover obvious and/or embarrassing bugs, and generally behave in a fashion that cannot be factored in by any known algorithm.