Mr. Dave Makes a Purchase
Dave (aka The Big, Mean, and Evil Mr. Dave) was our secret third co-host. He was our Billy Preston. Dave was a regular during the first season of White Label Humour but then he got a girlfriend and a job. Quite rudely he decided these took precedent in his life over slaving away half your week to make a comedy show you didn't get paid for. Hmph! Priorities.
In this piece, Dave has purchased a copy of the Weekly World News and we deconstruct its "Interview With An Alien". I liked this piece because it was all off the cuff, the three of us just riffing to a stupid little article. And I actually have some funny comments. It's not just Terry making the jokes and I'm working all the electronic gizmos and worrying about mic levels. In the post-Dave years, our roles seemed to settle down to that.
Here Dave shows his natural talents for humor. When I listen to old tapes during the Year of Dave, I'm reminded of how much he contributed to the show. Terry's humor and my humor tended to spin about some common themes: the prom, Mulroney, and violence. Dave's humor never had a pattern. He was our wild gene. While Terry and I would crank out material, much of it judged "good" because it filled time, Dave would just sort of show up with a really brilliant, tight little script, like a bit about a distant relative of Andy Warhol from the Ozarks who shows up in New York and starts doing nude theatre. My fondest memory is during our "Rene Levesque: Sex Machine" song, Dave marching around the production booth doing an impression of his French Canadian dad shouting "Ou est mon Lucky Strike?"
KARL: It's a treat when you come by, Dave.
KARL: Mr. X. Mr. David Andrew Cantin.
KARL: And you're quite a happy boy today, aren't you?
KARL: You're a very happy boy.
KARL: You made a purchase!
KARL: Say what you bought. What your purchase was. Can you say "purchase"?
TERRY: [bellows up loudly after remaining silent for such a long time] PURCHASE!
KARL: That is the only true newspaper.
KARL: Any newspaper that the only time they mention the President is when he sees a UFO that is quality journalism.
TERRY: Reagan claims he thought it was George Burns.
KARL: So you bought the latest edition of the World Weekly News. I noticed they cancelled Ed Anger's column. Haven't they?
TERRY: He's writing for Rolling Stone now, since Hunter Thompson jumped ship.
KARL: [believing what Terry said] Is he? [Realizing not to believe Terry] Oh, that's a joke, right? You're trying to confuse me.
TERRY: Where's the Page Three Girl.
KARL: Page Three Woman.
TERRY: [surprised] They do have one!
KARL: But on page 8.
KARL: Anyway, it's got an interview with a space alien. I resisted the temptation to buy that newspaper.
KARL: So without completely reading the whole thing, maybe you could capsulize what the space alien's plans are for the planet earth so people don't actually have to go out and waste 75 cents to buy this paper.
KARL: Just capsulize what the alien's plans are.
TERRY: Just tell us what you told us in the car. This guy is some sort of scout, right?
TERRY: He's a PR goon!
TERRY: That's important.
TERRY: He came to get some shopping done.
[Sound of Dave opening the paper]
TERRY: OH IS
THAT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE! OH
KARL: Where did the interviewer actually meet him?
KARL: Have them come into the room.
TERRY: Dave, explain the political situation in the rest of the galaxy.
KARL: It's quite bad, isn't it?
TERRY: -- GIVE US YOUR WOMEN!
KARL: So they don't actually say anything about melting people then, eh?
TERRY: But it says there that fourteen planets are all discussing our future?
TERRY: Oh it didn't say planets.
TERRY: What about microwave guns? Do they have rayguns and stuff?
TERRY: What's it say?
KARL: Banished to our own planet?
TERRY: All five billion of us are banished to Elba.
KARL: The Family Coalition Party is going to have something to say about this.
KARL: Go back to the line about "Resistance is useless." Isn't that right out of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?
TERRY: Yeah, you're right.
TERRY: I like the shouting bit.
TERRY: GOD WHY WASN'T IT CLEAR BEFORE! Now I want to know more about this exile business. Like, how much can we bring with us?
KARL: What's the carry-on limit?
TERRY: Oh it
says right here. One under the seat and one in the overhead. So it will be
just like flying