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Mr. Dave Makes a Purchase

Dave (aka The Big, Mean, and Evil Mr. Dave) was our secret third co-host. He was our Billy Preston. Dave was a regular during the first season of White Label Humour but then he got a girlfriend and a job. Quite rudely he decided these took precedent in his life over slaving away half your week to make a comedy show you didn't get paid for. Hmph! Priorities.

In this piece, Dave has purchased a copy of the Weekly World News and we deconstruct its "Interview With An Alien". I liked this piece because it was all off the cuff, the three of us just riffing to a stupid little article. And I actually have some funny comments. It's not just Terry making the jokes and I'm working all the electronic gizmos and worrying about mic levels. In the post-Dave years, our roles seemed to settle down to that.

Here Dave shows his natural talents for humor. When I listen to old tapes during the Year of Dave, I'm reminded of how much he contributed to the show. Terry's humor and my humor tended to spin about some common themes: the prom, Mulroney, and violence. Dave's humor never had a pattern. He was our wild gene. While Terry and I would crank out material, much of it judged "good" because it filled time, Dave would just sort of show up with a really brilliant, tight little script, like a bit about a distant relative of Andy Warhol from the Ozarks who shows up in New York and starts doing nude theatre. My fondest memory is during our "Rene Levesque: Sex Machine" song, Dave marching around the production booth doing an impression of his French Canadian dad shouting "Ou est mon Lucky Strike?"

KARL: It's a treat when you come by, Dave.

DAVE: Mr. X.

KARL: Mr. X. Mr. David Andrew Cantin.

DAVE: That's me.

KARL: And you're quite a happy boy today, aren't you?

DAVE: Me?

KARL: You're a very happy boy.

DAVE: Why am I happy? Oh I'm happy because…

KARL: You made a purchase!

DAVE: I made a purchase. Am I allowed to mention what I bought? Or do I just have to say it's a newspaper?

KARL: Say what you bought. What your purchase was. Can you say "purchase"?

DAVE: I can say "purchase".

TERRY: [bellows up loudly after remaining silent for such a long time] PURCHASE!

DAVE: My purchase was the Weekly World News.

KARL: That is the only true newspaper.

DAVE: Most definitely.

KARL: Any newspaper that the only time they mention the President is when he sees a UFO that is quality journalism.

DAVE: When he's caught playing Twenty-One in Vegas with Quadaffi.

KARL: Yeah.

TERRY: Reagan claims he thought it was George Burns.

DAVE: I'm going to move this mic. It's probably going to make a lot of noise.

KARL: So you bought the latest edition of the World Weekly News. I noticed they cancelled Ed Anger's column. Haven't they?

DAVE: Yes they have.

KARL: My America by Ed Anger.

TERRY: He's writing for Rolling Stone now, since Hunter Thompson jumped ship.

KARL: [believing what Terry said] Is he? [Realizing not to believe Terry] Oh, that's a joke, right? You're trying to confuse me.

TERRY: Where's the Page Three Girl.

KARL: Page Three Woman.

TERRY: [surprised] They do have one!

KARL: But on page 8.

DAVE: Page 8 Girl.

KARL: Anyway, it's got an interview with a space alien. I resisted the temptation to buy that newspaper.

DAVE: I couldn't. I bought it last night.

KARL: So without completely reading the whole thing, maybe you could capsulize what the space alien's plans are for the planet earth so people don't actually have to go out and waste 75 cents to buy this paper.

DAVE: They plan on removing Joan Collins.

[Karl chuckles]

DAVE: No I can't find the article. Oh wait there it is. World's First Space Alien interview. What do you want to know, Karl?

KARL: Just capsulize what the alien's plans are.

TERRY: Just tell us what you told us in the car. This guy is some sort of scout, right?

DAVE: See, they never really explained any of that.

TERRY: He's a PR goon!

DAVE: He's blue.

TERRY: That's important.

DAVE: He arrived here December 14^th. December 4^th sorry, if that's important.

TERRY: He came to get some shopping done.

[Sound of Dave opening the paper]

TERRY: OH IS THAT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE! OH ARG EWWWW!

DAVE: That's not the alien. That's the interviewer.

KARL: Where did the interviewer actually meet him?

DAVE: Studio Four? I don't know. It doesn't say. All what it is is this interview with an alien that wants to take over earth. [Dave reads] "WARNING THE ALIEN'S MESSAGE IS SO SHOCKING DON’T LISTEN TO THIS INTERVIEW ALONE." So kids call your parents.

KARL: Have them come into the room.

TERRY: Dave, explain the political situation in the rest of the galaxy.

KARL: It's quite bad, isn't it?

DAVE: See at one point in the article, the interviewer asks, "How can you help us and what can we do to get that help?" and the answer, of course, would be "Fourteen extra-terrestrial civilizations are actively interested in your planet --"

TERRY: -- GIVE US YOUR WOMEN!

DAVE:"-- Each will have demands but we can come to terms together. This is a large and fruitful planet and in one year or two years we will meet to discuss our futures together."

KARL: So they don't actually say anything about melting people then, eh?

DAVE: They don’t actually say anything about Joan Collins. I just threw that in.

TERRY: But it says there that fourteen planets are all discussing our future?

DAVE: Fourteen civilizations.

TERRY: Oh it didn't say planets.

DAVE: It didn't say planets.

TERRY: What about microwave guns? Do they have rayguns and stuff?

DAVE: Doesn't say. Wait. There is something about weapons in here.

TERRY: What's it say?

DAVE: Let me find it. "Question: What if the people of earth reject your efforts? Answer: The people of earth are not foolish. If they do not cooperate they will be banished…" Banished?

KARL: Banished to our own planet?

TERRY: All five billion of us are banished to Elba.

DAVE: "The universe has many planets. You may be sent to any one of them." Oh there's the answer. "We can accomplish our mission here without you. Question: What if you are resisted militarily? Answer: Your weapons are useless against us." Hmmm. Stock answer. "If you use them you will only hurt yourselves. You saw our power in your Soviet Union when a nuclear power planet exploded in Chernobyl. You should have seen our power in the AIDS virus you fear so much." NOW WAIT A MINUTE HERE.

TERRY: NO!

DAVE: It says that right here.

KARL: The Family Coalition Party is going to have something to say about this.

DAVE: "We also have weapons to terrify. To shred each nerve. To bring horrors out of your worst nightmares."

KARL: Go back to the line about "Resistance is useless." Isn't that right out of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?

TERRY: Yeah, you're right.

ALL: Resistance is useless.

TERRY: I like the shouting bit.

DAVE: This man wants us to believe AIDS and the Chernobyl plant explosion are because of this little blue man.

TERRY: GOD WHY WASN'T IT CLEAR BEFORE! Now I want to know more about this exile business. Like, how much can we bring with us?

DAVE: It doesn't say.

KARL: What's the carry-on limit?

TERRY: Oh it says right here. One under the seat and one in the overhead. So it will be just like flying TWA.

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