Home | WLH | Conversations with a Nigerian Bank Scammer

 

Lost Opera about Windsor Pizza

 

 

 

 

This is all I can reconstruct from notes. Back in the late '80s a number of American pizza chains moved into Windsor. Life in Windsor had few advantages, but one of them was the quality pizza served up by a number of authentic Italian restaurants. I've never found pizza as good as pizza made by mom-and-pop joints in Windsor. There was some anxiety as to what effect American chains like Dominoes and Little Caesars would have. In parody of this, I wrote a Five Act poetic opera. Basically, the plot goes something like Elvis wants to live again. He strikes a deal with the god Ramtha that if he can bring Ramtha an authentic Windsor pizza and slay the Dominoes' Noid beast, he'll let Elvis live again. Anyway, these are the few bits I was able to find:

 

Act I

 

(Tintinnabulation)

 

Elvis

Hear me Ramtha

I am Elvis

I'm fat and old

And I'm really pissed

 

Some say I'm dead

Some say I live

The answer to this

I shall not give

 

Until I regain my youth

For I've searched far and wide

Tell me now, Ramtha

Tell me, where does it hide?

 

 

 

(storm sounds)

 

 

Ramtha

Elvis you call me

Ramtha of old

Your question I will answer

But I need cash, hard and cold

 

 

 

Elvis

Master of wisdom

Why it I money that you need?

I thought freedom and enlightenment

Was your creed

 

 

 

Ramtha

Don't be a jerk

This is a business, King

You don't work for peanuts

When you sing

 

So allow me this scam

This new age shell game

If I worked for free

Would I have all this fame?

 

 

 

Elvis

You speak the truth

You are very wise

And I've always thought

You were a product of Shirley's lies

 

 

 

Ramtha

I'm lad you catch on

And see the light

I'd hate to have to drag this through

A bitter court fight

 

To regain your lost youth

And a head full of hair

For you alone

This secret I will share

 

In the Land of snicker snack loo

Where the liggy ponds did grue

Snake lo a sloppy slap pie

And then we'll slay the beat of a rumor

That you did die

 

 

 

Elvis

Shit, Ramtha, you know

I've never been a great lyricist

So please give me that last bit

In just plain English

 

 

 

Ramtha

The ancients speak

Of a city of lore

A city under a dark and evil spell

A city called Wind-sore

 

It has been said

They were the pizza capital

But then the chain restaurants moved in

And now their pie is lamentable

 

So seek out that city

Slay the Dominoes beast

Then find the ultimate pizza

So on it I might feast

 

Do all this

Brave but fat one

And I will restore you your youth

My greasy bloated son

 

 

 

Elvis

Thank you much Ramtha

But where do I look

For Windsor of fable

For Windsor of fairy tale book?

 

 

 

Ramtha

Walk the road

Of the rising and setting sun

It is known on maps

As the four-oh-one

 

To aid you on your quest

Here is a crystal of power

Use it well

During your need of the hour

 

 

 

Elvis

But it's a hunk of cut glass

How could this be of arcane might?

How could this aid me

In my low grade pizza fight?

 

 

 

Ramtha

Look, just bugger off

I've answered enough

Maybe you should have queried such

When your doctor was prescribing you stuff

 

 

Act II

 

(several pages lost… from context appears Elvis has encountered an American looking for a Windsor strip club)

 

American

…

From that place I came

But it seems I lost my way

 

To Toronto I drove

Two hundred miles or more

Then realizing

I was no where near Studio 54

 

So around I turned

To the west my destiny lay

But this time I shall stop

And ask a gas attendant the way

 

So Elvis or Hitler's brain

With me do you travel this eve

Or on the roadside

Should you I leave?

 

 

 

Elvis

Well wait now

Your offer I cannot pass

Even if I have to sit

And watch some French lass

 

So off we go

Surely Windsor bound

To slay the Dominoes beat

Where ever it might be found

 

 

 

Act III

 

(several pages lost

 

American

Elvis (hic) old Pal

Have a beer or eight

These Canadian brews

Are truly great (hic)

 

And look at the dancer

Her art is right on

What grand poetry

She performs on a milk carton

 

 

 

Elvis

American compatriot

I must bid you adieu

For although this has been fun

My quest must start anew

 

 

 

American

What is it you search for?

Money, power, or fame?

Do you wish the world

To know your name?

 

 

 

Elvis

I search not for those

For I am the great Elvis

I have found money and fame

With my pelvis

 

I tell you I would trade

 

 

 

Act IV

 

(Heavy metal is playing out of a ghetto blaster. We see two kids)

 

Kid 1

Spike my heavy metal friend

Does not this tape get old?

We need to buy a new cassette

But I have no money in my billfold

 

 

 

Kid 2

It would be good to listen

To a new heavy metal group

So let us jump some guy

And his wallet we will scoop

 

 

 

Kid 1

This then be our mark

When he passes the alley way

We will surround him

And make him dearly pay

 

One, two, three

Now in front of him jump!

Okay funny old man

Hand over that wallet in your rump

 

 

 

Elvis

Young ruffians!

What is it that you want

Do you wish to make me sport

To dance about and taunt?

 

 

 

Kid 2

We want your money

Give it to us quick

You greasy poorly dressed

Memphis country hick

 

Your day's wage

Will buy us rock music

To play in our ghetto blaster

So hand it over, you dick

 

 

 

Elvis

Do you not recognize me my young subjects?

I am the king of your rock tunes

So give me my way

Or I will make you my court buffoons

 

 

 

Kid 1

Lets stick him now

And lets leave him in a trash bin

Lest he calls for the cops

By raising a din

 

 

 

Kid 2

But wait, Spike

Don't be so quick to see his blood ooze

I did read Elvis was alive

In the World Weekly News

 

If he really is the king

The king of rock and roll

He could give us something better

Then a life on the dole

 

 

 

Elvis

I have returned

To the world of the living

To slay the Dominoes pizza beast

And find a pie worth giving

 

I say help me

You young nimmers

And I will bestow upon you

Rock music up to your brimmers

 

 

 

Kid 1

The great Dominoes beats

Has himself a powerful protector

A phalanx of coupons, thirty minute guarantees

All backed by the corporate sector

 

 

 

Kid 2

The demon of low grade pizza

Goes by the name of Noid

But he is so powerful

Even the heroic avoid

 

But at the gates of the Golden Arches

Where the angels fear to tread

We will not go

Into the caves of melted cheese on bread

 

 

 

Elvis

Your noble offer

Is one I cannot refuse

So onward we go

To battle this pizza ruse

 

 

 

 

Act V

 

 

Kid 1

Elvis, we've traveled far

And we are now at the arches of gold

Beyond them is where

Dominoes pizza is made and sold

 

 

 

Kid 2

We bid you farewell

And thanks for the truck load of Bon Jovi

The dude is without a doubt

Totally groovy

 

 

 

Elvis

I go now boys

To face my kismet

To reclaim Windsor's pizza heritage

Lest people forget

 

 

 

(musical interlude)

 

 

 

Lo I have come upon a cave and a sign

"Go back you face doom

Lest a pizza delivery job

Be yours real soon"

 

This must be the cave

Of Melted cheese on bread

Just like the two

Heavy metal boys said

 

I heed not this sign

For I have no fear

Of a dead end job

Without joy or cheer

 

I shall sally downward

Into the Dominoes beast's lair

Into the bowels of this place

Where I hope to find him there

 

 

 

(musical interlude then a lot of screeching on the bass to announce the arrival of the creature)

 

 

Beast

Elvis I have been waiting for you

For a long time

You will not be able to resist my pizza

And you will be mine

 

 

Home | WLH | Conversations with a Nigerian Bank Scammer