Canadians are a pretty easy going people but there are
three ways you can hork off any Canadian.
our money to monopoly money
we all live in igloos
one day be the 51st state.
First, our money does not look like monopoly money. It
looks more like large postage stamps. Second, we don't live in igloos. We all
live in brick ranch style homes huddled along the American border. Third, Canada
will never, ever, ever become the 51st state. It's just not going to happen.
Ever. It's not that Canada
could resist an American military invasion. Heck, the West Edmonton Mall
employs more security guards than Canada
has soldiers. It's just that it's ludicrous to claim Canada,
the world's second largest country by area, can be folded into the US
as one single state. You think Texans are going to support the creation of a
single contiguous state larger than itself! Not on your life buddy! Hell, you
could divide Canada
into the 51st, 52nd, and 53rd states and we'd still be too damn big for
Americans used to calling lil dinky landmasses like Delaware
So deal with it. Canada
ain't ever going to be your 51st state. Assuming Canada
would have to be divided into states smaller than Texas
(a state with an area of two hundred and sixty seven thousand square miles),
you would divide Canada's
six million square miles into twenty three slightly smaller-than-Texas-sized
Now if you really want Canada
to be part of your more perfect union, there is one way. It's long been
suggested that Canada
should just up and sell itself to the USA.
The suggested figure has always been thirty trillion dollars. In other words,
the USA can
lock, stock, and Drumheller, Alberta
if it gives each citizen one million dollars.
What would it gain? Well, besides a nation of curiously
attractive people, America
would get added tax revenues. Canada
and all its provinces generate roughly 200 billion dollars a year in taxes. America's
thirty trillion dollar investment would reach the break even point one
hundred and fifty years later.
There are some psychological problems with laying out all
that money. First, the USA
has yearly tax revenues of 1.8 trillion dollars. When you're talking
trillions, an extra two hundred billion sounds like a rounding error. But
is a great bargain compared to the other G7 powers. I mean what would it cost
to buy the UK
and acquire all those Crown Jewels and Paul McCartney song rights? What would
it cost to buy France,
assuming you'd want France,
and cough up money for all the paintings in the Louvre? As you can see, Canada
is a simple nation with simple needs. Just give us each a huge stinking pile
of American dollars.We'll even throw
in our collection of Emily Carr paintings and the rights to Alanis
Morrisette's "Ironic" for free.
There are other ways to make that one time thirty trillion
dollar charge look like a sound investment. For example, Canada
has a work force of sixteen million people. It would cost you one hundred and
sixty million dollars to head hunt a workforce that size. Besides people, America
is getting a heck of a lot of land. America
is getting six million square miles, a lot of it is undeveloped beach front
property too. That's five million dollars a square mile or about a thousand
bucks a square foot. My apartment is six hundred square feet and I pay eight
hundred and fifty dollars a month in rent. That works out to about a dollar
forty a square foot per month. Amortized over that one hundred and fifty year
period, I'd shell out two thousand five hundred dollars per square foot. America
is getting Canada
for a thousand dollars a square foot. That's like a two hundred and fifty
afford NOT to buy Canada?
The numbers don't lie.