Grandma
This skit was based on my grandmother. Terry noticed that my grandmother always referred to herself in the third person. She always called herself "Grandma". My grandmother loved baking and cooking but once her own kids had moved out she never got to cook enough. She still cooked, but after eating a small portion, she sealed the leftovers in tupperware and put it in her freezer. My mother, although divorced, was still warmly accepted by her former mother-in-law and still remained very much part of the family. Even when my mother remarried, her new husband Wilf quickly became a favorite of my grandma. Wilf had a bottomless appetite. Whenever they went over to visit, my grandmother would begin defrosting piles of food for Wilf, which Wilf would gladly pack away.
RECEPTIONIST: (tinny intercom sound) Mr Andrews?
LAWYER: Yes Mrs Jones?
RECEPTIONIST: There's a woman here who wants to see you. She claims to be your grandmother.
LAWYER: My grandmother? Oh I know who she is, Mrs. Jones. She's just one of my clients. Don't mind her. She's a bit crazy, like all grandmothers.
GRANDMA: (muffled, from behind door) GRANDMA HEARD THAT YOUNG MAN!
RECEPTIONIST: She's coming in!
EFFECT OF SOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
GRANDMA: Grandma doesn't like to be called names. But grandma know how young men like to show off to girls by heaping abuse on the elderly. Grandma forgives you! Hrmph!
LAWYER: I umm well I umm --
GRANDMA: Why did you call grandma down to your law office, young man, besides to exhibit in front your secretary your life-and-death powers over a defenseless old woman like grandma who you never come over to visit on Sundays to have tea and lasagna or to even cut grandma's lawn for twenty dollars which is too much money and grandma can't afford to pay but grandma makes you take the twenty dollars anyway.
LAWYER: It's about the latest revision to your will, Mrs Smith.
GRANDMA: GRANDMA DOESN'T GO BY THAT NAME ANY MORE YOUNG MAN!
LAWYER: Pardon?
GRANDMA: (angry) Grandma changed grandma's name because grandma doesn't want to have the same name as those ungrateful children who grandma slaved to the bone for all those years and then once they leave the nest they move to other cities and have grandchildren who want to visit their grandma but they never bring them over and it's not like grandma never sends Christmas and birthday and Easter cards laden with ten dollar bills oh no but does grandma even get a visit or a phone call or a thank you note or grandma's grass cut? No! Grandma just sits by the phone waiting to hear that the grandchildren are coming over for a visit and some pop and candy and cheesecake. But grandma never gets that call so grandma has changed her name and grandma has disowned them! (pause, changes to sweet tone in her voice) That's why grandma changed grandma's name.
LAWYER: Ummm as your lawyer. Why wasn't I informed you made this declaration? Now all your legal documents will have to be revised.
GRANDMA: You're mumbling young man. BUT DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE TO GRANDMA EITHER, YOUNG MAN! GRANDMA PAYS YOU BIG BUCKS TO KEEP YOU ON RETAINER.
LAWYER: I'm sorry. What name do you go by now?
GRANDMA: "Passion Flower". Want Grandma to spell that for you?
LAWYER: I think I know how to spell that.
GRANDMA: But you can just call me grandma, since grandma's grandchildren never get the chance to use it. It's nice to hear it once in a while.
LAWYER: Miss Flower --
GRANDMA: -- Grandma.
LAWYER: Grandma, about your will.
GRANDMA: You know God will deal with them in the end.
LAWYER: God?
GRANDMA: You know who grandma is talking about, young man! Grandma's children who have stolen away grandma's grandchildren and the only happiness grandma has in grandma's old age, besides bingo. They will one day die and stand before God Himself and the Lord will ask them why they hid grandma's grandchildren from grandma and what do you think they will say?
LAWYER: Uhh, grandma, maybe if I can just get you to sign --
GRANDMA: THEY WILL ASK GOD TO FORGIVE THEM IN THE CHRISTIAN SPIRIT! They'll say they didn't mean to hide grandma's grandchildren. That's what they'll say! But grandma will die first and beat them there and grandma will be standing right beside God and grandma will remind God that she never missed church in 72 years and God will remember He is a God of VENGEANCE, like in the Old Testament, and He shall cast grandma's children into a fiery pit of hell -- of heck. Excuse grandma's French. (pause) That's how God will deal with them.
LAWYER: Look maybe you'd rather not discuss this now. Maybe I could have you talk to a couple doctor friends. They'll sign a paper that allows me to handle all your property assignments while you get the rest that you need.
GRANDMA: There's nothing wrong with m-- grandma! I almost said "me". Why don't you just quit getting grandma so upset and tell grandma why you had grandma take three busses to come down here to your office.
LAWYER: As I've been trying to tell you. I have some questions about the latest revisions to your will.
GRANDMA: Did grandma spell "diddly squat" wrong?
LAWYER: The spelling was fine. Some of the provisions of this will might not seem like the last wishes of, shall I say, a competent mind.
GRANDMA: Ohhh.
LAWYER: As your lawyer I have to ensure this will is valid and there are no grounds for your heirs to contest it.
GRANDMA: What parts do you have problems with? Maybe grandma's sentence structure has confused you. Grandma went to school during the First World War, you know. There was a shortage of English teachers. They were all in the cities in the factories making big bucks. Grandma was taught grammar lessons by the barber. He gave haircuts and pulled teeth at recess too. Hrm. Those were the days. A full education.
LAWYER: Let's just get started right here at the beginning. It says in your will you're giving $20,000 to the Roman Catholic dioceses on the condition, and I quote, "they continue to positively reinforce the teachings of The Church with the divine motivator -- GUILT!" How am I supposed to let that stand in a legal document?
GRANDMA: Grandma supposes it's a little redundant anyway since they've traditionally used guilt to motivate their followers. Okay you can cross out that condition. Is that it? Can grandma go now? Grandma has an appointment at three to have more blue added to her hair.
LAWYER: Just be patient please. Okay here's another one I'm having some trouble with. You're leaving $10,000 to your mail man, a "Mr. Post". Is he a relative?
GRANDMA: Of course not! He VISITS grandma! In fact he visits grandma every day. That's why grandma is putting him in grandma's will. He takes time out of his daily route to talk to a lonely old lady, like grandma, and have a cup of tea and piece of poundcake and some toast and jam and three eggs (soft over easy) and some pancakes with maple syrup and chocolate chip waffles with banana slices on top plus half a pound of bacon, a grapefruit, a glass of milk, freshly squeezed orange juice, some coffee and then we watch The Edge of Night and then he leaves.
LAWYER: $10,000 for that?
GRANDMA: Oh no. Grandma also packs him a lunch in case he gets hungry later in the day. Oh he's so pale and thin. Or he used to be until grandma strengthened him up to the tune of 300 pounds.
LAWYER: Look I think I need more justification than that. I can't present gastronomical excess to a jury. Your heirs could claim Mr. Post was taking advantage of you.
GRANDMA: Ohhhhhhh! Watch your mouth, young man, or grandma will wash it out with soap!
LAWYER: That's not what I was implying.
GRANDMA: Well, just watch it anyway. Grandma doesn't want to have to take grandma's business elsewhere!
LAWYER: Okay never mind the mail man then.
GRANDMA: Right, he's none of your business.
LAWYER: Okay item three here. Why are you giving the public library $1,000 to buy bibles. Wouldn't you rather give new bibles to your church?
GRANDMA: Churches have hundreds of bibles but no one ever reads them, except the priest. He's a man. People go to the library, however, to read books so I thought it would be better if they had lots of bibles and less smut for people to read, especially for young children, like my grandchildren.
LAWYER: I guess there's nothing wrong with that. It just sounds a bit loopy.
GRANDMA: What did you say? You're mumbling again, young man.
LAWYER: Nothing. I guess the library will appreciate any kind of contribution, especially since they've had to take a lot of books out of circulation that have been mysteriously damaged with magic marker.
GRANDMA: Grandma wouldn't know anything about that, young man! I don't like the way you mumble! It's suspicious, even for a lawyer! (pause) Grandma doesn't want to talk about it. Is there anything else?
LAWYER: Just one more item here. It's a bequeathment to a group called "the Rosary Murderers". Is that some kind of Central American paramilitary group?
GRANDMA: No. They're the ladies auxiliary group at grandma's church.
LAWYER: Then why have you left them $50,000 to purchase an "armor-plated assault K-Car" for the neighborhood watch program?
GRANDMA: It's not just for the K-Car. It's for special surveillance tools like cameras and infrared lenses and wire-tapping devices.
LAWYER: Now, Miss Flower ... err ... grandma. Why would a neighborhood watch need surveillance equipment?
GRANDMA: TO CATCH SINNERS! The police can handle all the crime -- ha mere criminals -- we want to protect our neighborhood from all the pre-marital sins against God that happen every single day behind closed doors. Trudeau said the government had no business in the bedrooms of the nations but he didn't say anything about grandmas and their ladies auxiliary groups! We're not afraid to round up the whore mongerers and the pornographers and the people who watch cable TV. That's why grandma is leaving the ladies auxiliary so much money. When grandma departs from this mortal plane to be with Jesus, the ladies auxiliary is going to need a bigger battering ram to smash down the doors of sinners. And grandma wants them to buy one of those TASER guns. It's too hard to stun a sinner with a swinging umbrella.
LAWYER: You can't be serious! What you're proposing is against the law.
GRANDMA: Oh, whose law, Mr. Smarty pants hot shot lawyer. Man's law or God's law?
LAWYER: But grandma, the courts won't see it that way.
GRANDMA: Grandma will be vindicated by a higher court on the true day of judgment.
LAWYER: I can't believe it. This will is going to be contested in court for years. If you want any hope of this will being valid, you'll have to leave your blood relations something, even if it's just a token sum.
GRANDMA: Well, grandma left them some money.
LAWYER: No. It says here you left your granddaughter $100 on the condition she uses it to buy the extra large "Kingdom of Heaven" crosses to put on the walls of her room.
GRANDMA: That's the biggest size cross they can sell for wall hanging, without it pulling down the plaster. She's going to need those crosses for when she gets into high school and starts dating boys. Grandma read an article in the Grandmother's for a Guilt Ridden Society newsletter that claims the sex drives of young pubescent girls and boys is diminished the bigger the crosses they have in their room. It's scientific too because it follows the inverse ratio theory.
LAWYER: Alright. If you're not going to make major changes to this will then all I can really advise you as your lawyer is you give away your money now before you die.
GRANDMA: Grandma thinks that's a good idea, young man. Why shouldn't grandma teach those children a lesson while she's still alive! You're not such a bad lawyer after all, young man. Why don't you come over to grandma's house and grandma will make you some coffee and some cake and ice cream and maybe later grandma will show you how to mow a lawn right.
LAWYER: Gee. I don't know, grandma. I have to take my Ferrari to the shop to have the starter looked at.
GRANDMA: That's okay. Grandma is an authorized Ferrari mechanic. Maybe grandma can earn a few dollars off of Grandma's legal fees at the same time.
LAWYER: We can work something out.
GRANDMA: Alright. Let's go. (fade down) You don't eat enough!
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