This is all I can reconstruct from notes. Back in the
late '80s a number of American pizza chains moved into Windsor.
Life in Windsor had few advantages,
but one of them was the quality pizza served up by a number of authentic
Italian restaurants. I've never found pizza as good as pizza made by
mom-and-pop joints in Windsor.
There was some anxiety as to what effect American chains like Dominoes and
Little Caesars would have. In parody of this, I wrote a Five Act poetic
opera. Basically, the plot goes something like Elvis wants to live again. He
strikes a deal with the god Ramtha that if he can bring Ramtha an authentic Windsor
pizza and slay the Dominoes' Noid beast, he'll let Elvis live again. Anyway,
these are the few bits I was able to find:
Act I
(Tintinnabulation)
Elvis
Hear me Ramtha
I am Elvis
I'm fat and old
And I'm really pissed
Some say I'm dead
Some say I live
The answer to this
I shall not give
Until I regain my youth
For I've searched far and wide
Tell me now, Ramtha
Tell me, where does it hide?
(storm sounds)
Ramtha
Elvis you call me
Ramtha of old
Your question I will answer
But I need cash, hard and cold
Elvis
Master of wisdom
Why it I money that you need?
I thought freedom and enlightenment
Was your creed
Ramtha
Don't be a jerk
This is a business, King
You don't work for peanuts
When you sing
So allow me this scam
This new age shell game
If I worked for free
Would I have all this fame?
Elvis
You speak the truth
You are very wise
And I've always thought
You were a product of Shirley's lies
Ramtha
I'm lad you catch on
And see the light
I'd hate to have to drag this through
A bitter court fight
To regain your lost youth
And a head full of hair
For you alone
This secret I will share
In the Land of snicker snack loo
Where the liggy ponds did grue
Snake lo a sloppy slap pie
And then we'll slay the beat of a rumor
That you did die
Elvis
Shit, Ramtha, you know
I've never been a great lyricist
So please give me that last bit
In just plain English
Ramtha
The ancients speak
Of a city of lore
A city under a dark and evil spell
A city called Wind-sore
It has been said
They were the pizza capital
But then the chain restaurants moved in
And now their pie is lamentable
So seek out that city
Slay the Dominoes beast
Then find the ultimate pizza
So on it I might feast
Do all this
Brave but fat one
And I will restore you your youth
My greasy bloated son
Elvis
Thank you much Ramtha
But where do I look
For Windsor
of fable
For Windsor
of fairy tale book?
Ramtha
Walk the road
Of the rising and setting sun
It is known on maps
As the four-oh-one
To aid you on your quest
Here is a crystal of power
Use it well
During your need of the hour
Elvis
But it's a hunk of cut glass
How could this be of arcane might?
How could this aid me
In my low grade pizza fight?
Ramtha
Look, just bugger off
I've answered enough
Maybe you should have queried such
When your doctor was prescribing you stuff
Act II
(several pages lost… from context appears Elvis has
encountered an American looking for a Windsor
strip club)
American
…
From that place I came
But it seems I lost my way
To Toronto I
drove
Two hundred miles or more
Then realizing
I was no where near Studio 54
So around I turned
To the west my destiny lay
But this time I shall stop
And ask a gas attendant the way
So Elvis or Hitler's brain
With me do you travel this eve
Or on the roadside
Should you I leave?
Elvis
Well wait now
Your offer I cannot pass
Even if I have to sit
And watch some French lass
So off we go
Surely Windsor
bound
To slay the Dominoes beat
Where ever it might be found
Act III
(several pages lost
American
Elvis (hic) old Pal
Have a beer or eight
These Canadian brews
Are truly great (hic)
And look at the dancer
Her art is right on
What grand poetry
She performs on a milk carton
Elvis
American compatriot
I must bid you adieu
For although this has been fun
My quest must start anew
American
What is it you search for?
Money, power, or fame?
Do you wish the world
To know your name?
Elvis
I search not for those
For I am the great Elvis
I have found money and fame
With my pelvis
I tell you I would trade
Act IV
(Heavy metal is playing out of a ghetto blaster. We see
two kids)
Kid 1
Spike my heavy metal friend
Does not this tape get old?
We need to buy a new cassette
But I have no money in my billfold
Kid 2
It would be good to listen
To a new heavy metal group
So let us jump some guy
And his wallet we will scoop
Kid 1
This then be our mark
When he passes the alley way
We will surround him
And make him dearly pay
One, two, three
Now in front of him jump!
Okay funny old man
Hand over that wallet in your rump
Elvis
Young ruffians!
What is it that you want
Do you wish to make me sport
To dance about and taunt?
Kid 2
We want your money
Give it to us quick
You greasy poorly dressed
Memphis
country hick
Your day's wage
Will buy us rock music
To play in our ghetto blaster
So hand it over, you dick
Elvis
Do you not recognize me my young subjects?
I am the king of your rock tunes
So give me my way
Or I will make you my court buffoons
Kid 1
Lets stick him now
And lets leave him in a trash bin
Lest he calls for the cops
By raising a din
Kid 2
But wait, Spike
Don't be so quick to see his blood ooze
I did read Elvis was alive
In the World Weekly News
If he really is the king
The king of rock and roll
He could give us something better
Then a life on the dole
Elvis
I have returned
To the world of the living
To slay the Dominoes pizza beast
And find a pie worth giving
I say help me
You young nimmers
And I will bestow upon you
Rock music up to your brimmers
Kid 1
The great Dominoes beats
Has himself a powerful protector
A phalanx of coupons, thirty minute guarantees
All backed by the corporate sector
Kid 2
The demon of low grade pizza
Goes by the name of Noid
But he is so powerful
Even the heroic avoid
But at the gates of the Golden Arches
Where the angels fear to tread
We will not go
Into the caves of melted cheese on bread
Elvis
Your noble offer
Is one I cannot refuse
So onward we go
To battle this pizza ruse
Act V
Kid 1
Elvis, we've traveled far
And we are now at the arches of gold
Beyond them is where
Dominoes pizza is made and sold
Kid 2
We bid you farewell
And thanks for the truck load of Bon Jovi
The dude is without a doubt
Totally groovy
Elvis
I go now boys
To face my kismet
To reclaim Windsor's
pizza heritage
Lest people forget
(musical interlude)
Lo I have come upon a cave and a sign
"Go back you face doom
Lest a pizza delivery job
Be yours real soon"
This must be the cave
Of Melted cheese on bread
Just like the two
Heavy metal boys said
I heed not this sign
For I have no fear
Of a dead end job
Without joy or cheer
I shall sally downward
Into the Dominoes beast's lair
Into the bowels of this place
Where I hope to find him there
(musical interlude then a lot of screeching on the bass
to announce the arrival of the creature)