Zen for the Hot and Bothered, a reading from the book of the Brow Beaten
Windsor is next to Detroit. I'll pause here to let
that sink in. In the late '80s, there was a rash of incidents in Joseph and His Leather Troop Jacket A reading from
the Book of the Brow Beaten. This is my guess at the story of Joseph and his leather
Troop jacket. Joseph was a good son to his father Joseph said to
his brothers "I had a dream that we were out in the country gathering sticks
into bunches." Ruben cut him
off. "Why were we gathering bunches of sticks?" "I don't
know," Joseph said. "It's a dream. The more obscure the imagery is,
the more likely it is to come true." The other
brothers urged Ruben to shut up. Joseph might have dreamt about the winning
numbers in the Philistine sweepstakes. Joseph
continued. "Anyway, my bunches of sticks rose above yours, which
gathered around mine." The brothers
stared at him. "Is that
all?" they asked. "Sorry,"
said Joseph. The brothers
went away, angry they didn't get any hints about the Philistine Sweepstakes
but angrier at the obvious interpretation of Joseph's dream. He wanted to be
king over them! One day, Israel
sent Joseph to find his brothers in the town of Shekham. They went there to
buy up a lot of used sheep in a police auction but they had not returned.
Near Shekham, the brothers saw him coming and they talked about him. "Here comes
Precious. Our father's favorite son. How come he gets to lick the bowl after
dad makes intestine cakes? Why does he get that leather Troop jacket while we
have to put up with these bed sheets with head and arm holes cut in
them?" They were very
resentful. They planed to do harm to Joseph. "Let's jump
him from behind, tie him up, put him in a dress, and sell him to the
Hippolyte navy," Judah urged. But Ruben had a better idea. "Let's
throw down a well and not bring him up until he dreams about the winning
numbers in the Philistine Sweepstakes." Judah didn't
like to be upstaged, though. "Suppose his dream doesn't come true?"
he queried. The other
brothers answered Judah's question. "His dreams always come true with
stunning accuracy. Remember when he predicted that the moon would swallow the
sun and then spit it out? Well, that came to pass." Just as Joseph
was drawing near the brothers saw a caravan of diet book authors and decided
they would sell their brother to the traveling hope merchants. The authors
drove a hard bargain but agreed to pay twelve shekels and ninety-five
centimes for Joseph after the brothers threw in a digital watch. But the
brothers kept the Troop jacket, blew a hole in it with one of their handgun
spears and covered it in sheep's blood. They brought the
jacket back to their father and said, "your son Joseph is dead. He died
while trying to hold up a liquor store. Sorry, dad." Israel mourned
his son's loss by putting on sack clothes, tossing ashes in his hair, and
marrying an Onassis. Now Joseph was
brought to Egypt and sold as a slave to Pontifar, the captain of the
Pharaoh's guard. He was put in charge of the house but never thought of
escaping because in those days being a slave was akin to taking a job at
McDonald's. It was something most everyone did to get some real job
experience. Anyway, Joseph
looked particularly appealing to Pontifar's wife. But Joseph refused to sleep
with her. Her ego crushed she screamed rape and had Joseph arrested. Because
Joseph was a Hebrew he couldn't get a fair trial and was locked away. In jail, Joseph behaved
so well that the warden made him the chief of the prisoners. The warden
trusted Joseph and knew he needed not monitor him. Again Joseph did not try
to escape. In those days the chance to sit around in a jail cell was like a
vacation in Florida. You were always in the cool shade, away from the burning
desert. You could spend your time moping around in a hay-filled room, instead
of being in the burning desert bundling sticks for no good reason. And the
conversation was exceptional. It happened one
day that the Pharaoh's cup bearer and his baker were thrown into Joseph's
cell. They were troubled by dreams they had and they related them to Joseph.
The cup bearer told of his dream. "I saw a
vine in front of me. On the vine were three branches and a stage. Dancing
raisins strolled about singing. They were irritating. I picked the raisins
off the stage and squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup." Joseph
interpreted his dream. "The three branches represent three days. Your
killing of the dancing raisins means Pharaoh will restore you to your place.
Or it could mean penis envy." The baker seeing
such a favorable interpretation told Joseph his dream. "In mine
there weren't any lame ass raisins. I dreamt of three cakes. Just before I
was about to put them into the oven this dough boy arose from the cakes and
pleaded not to be put in the stove. But I baked him anyway and fed the cakes
and the dough boy to Pharaoh. So what's it mean, doc? A senatorial
position?" Joseph answered,
"in three days you will be recalled by Pharaoh and hanged but not before
being turned down in a Price is Right contestant search. Like, sorry." And so it all
came to pass. Except the part about the contestant search. The baker did make
it on to the Price is Right but he was hanged anyway. Two years later
Pharaoh was troubled by a dream. The cup bearer caught wind of this and told
Pharaoh about Joseph. Pharaoh had Joseph brought to him and related his
dream. "I saw
before me seven boxes of tapered candles. Each was long, hard, and capable of
flaming a long time. I reached out to grab the potent shafts of wax but I was
unable to seize a hold of them. Instead I found myself holding seven soft
limp candles that seemed like they'd fire off in no time." Joseph looked at
the strong but childless regent and made up a story, not having the heart to
diagnose his marital problems. "Ummm,"
Joseph said, "I see an air traffic problem. Yeah, many airliners shall
fall from the sky unless something is done about it." Although Pharaoh
had never heard of airliners, he didn't like the idea of anything falling
from the sky, so he queried "What can be done, sage one?" Joseph had to
think fast. "Ummm,
better air traffic control systems." Pharaoh saw the wisdom
in this but still was left wondering what kind of air traffic control
systems. "Big upward
pointing arrows on the ground," answered Joseph, "to tell airliners
that up and not down is the safest direction to fly." Pharaoh took
Joseph's advice and had the upward pointing arrows built and had them called
"pyramids". In all of Pharaoh's days, no airliner ever fell from
the sky after the pyramids were built and Joseph was rewarded with his own
talk show. He became rich and forgot about his brothers who sold him out. This has been my
guess.
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