Zen for the Hot and Bothered, a reading from the book of the Brow Beaten

The Story of David and Goliath

This my guess at the story of David and Goliath. It is figured the Philistines mustered their troops for war. They assembled all of their spearmen, shield carriers, brave charioteers perched atop their Soviet built T-34 war buggies, and of course they had a very young and virile Walter Cronkite with them.

Saul and the Israelites also mustered their troops for war. Yet there was much disarray amongst his men for they wondered who would get to carry the sword. Israel didn't have the USA to supply them with cluster bombs in those days so they had to make their sword go a long way.

One of the Philistine shock troopers stepped out from the ranks. He stood six cubits high, which is metric for six arm lengths. On his head he wore a bronze helmet, mostly because of recent laws requiring him to do so. On his chest he wore a great breastplate of bronze weighing 5,000 shekels, which is metric for heavy. He had bronze greaves on his legs. On his left arm, which was the size of Emmanuel Lewis, he carried a great bronze shield. The armored giant's name was Goliath Bo and he only wore all that stuff for effect. He was no fool. He had seen all the Hollywood movies where the knight decked out from head to toe in plate metal gets dropped from a single ax blow. The only thing Goliath Bo really needed was his M60 air-cooled, belt-fed spear thrower, capable of pumping out 500 bronze javelins a minute.

Now Goliath Bo took his stand in front of the Israeli ranks, who were hurriedly passing the sword up to the front.

He shouted (Sylvester Stallone 'yo, Adrian' voice), "I want my country to love me as much as I love my country."

With that the Israeli army quaked in fear.

Now Saul was in his tent, bravely putting on a woman's dress and strapping on some children. He called out to the Israeli army for a hero to challenge the giant, but no one came forward.

It so happened that the young David had come that day to Saul's camp to bring his brothers some shawls and pantyhose. He heard Goliath Bo's challenge.

A cavalry officer missing one leg because he had bent it up behind his back to appear helpless hobbled up to David and said "Dude, have you seen the size of that guy? Whoever among us defeats the great uncircumcised pagan will have lavished upon him untold wealth and will get to marry the king's daughter."

David liked the idea of getting a lot of money but he had seen papyrus drawings of the king's daughter and knew she wasn't worth risking getting cut in half for.

"I don't know if I can kill him, but if I can convince him to get circumcised, you think the king would let me get off with just the cash?"

"Probably not," answered the cavalry officer as he hobbled away, adding in a really bad hacking cough to discourage anyone from getting the idea of cleaving his head in two with a pike.

David knew it was all for nothing. He went to the tent of Saul. Saul was sashaying and curtsying and saying things like "Oh Mr. Philistine killer you're so kind to let a gentle lady pass by unfettered."

David announced his arrival. The king looked stunned. He looked at David and said, "oh you're probably wondering about the dress. It's a present I picked up in Canaan for my wife. We're roughly the same size. Just making sure it will fit her."

David spake unto his king. "Great Saul, I wish to challenge this Goliath Bo and win the hand of your daughter and of course I wouldn't refuse a chest full of gold."

But Saul answered David. "You cannot go and fight him. I cannot by all that is honorable under God's eyes let a mere boy go while my brave men stand by. Unless of course your mind is really set on it. Then there's not much I can do about talking your out of it. Right?"

The king ordered his armorers to bring the sword, which had become something of a hot potato, not really fitting in with the skirt, blouse, and high heeled battle dress the Israeli army had slipped into.

David took the sword but it was too heavy. "I cannot fight with such a weapon," he said. He gave the sword back to the king, who had his armorers go bury it, so that it might seem like there never was a single armed soldier in this newly founded camp of nursing mothers.

With only a sling in hand, David went down to the stream and found four smooth stones and one strange one shaped like a pineapple with a pin sticking out of it. It was such an unusual stone he decided he would try not to use it during the battle. He would add it to his rock collection back home.

Now Goliath Bo came out again from the Philistine ranks to make his challenge known. This time he was faced by David. The great uncircumcised giant bellowed loudly and cursed David by his gods and said things like "Uhhhhh yeah? You and what platoon of Moabites? Ha!"

Well, David had had enough. The crack about the Moabites was the straw that broke the camel's back. David replied to Goliath's challenge by tossing a stone at him.

The stone bounced off of Goliath Bo's breast plate. It took awhile for Goliath Bo to get over the surprise that his armor had actually protected him from an attack and he answered back with a blazing torrent of spear fire.

"Christ!" David exclaimed as he ducked behind a boulder. He loaded up his sling and fired a second time.

The rock bounced off of Goliath Bo's helmet again. Goliath Bo fired off the last 10 spears from his M60 and paused to reload.

This gave David time to call to the Israeli lines for a dress. But no one came forward. They were all too busy trying to look helpless. David loaded up his third stone and this time tried to aim for Goliath Bo's vulnerable spots, knowing even a clean head shot probably would have had little effect. This time David's stone bounced off of Goliath Bo's shield. The uncircumcised giant resumed his hail of scathing spear throwing.

David shot his fourth stone but it dropped short of Goliath Bo, who was getting pretty bored of shooting at the boulder David was hiding behind. The giant pulled out his great sword and decided to walk over to David and render him in two by hand.

David saw the shooting had stopped. He reached down to his pouch and drew out his final stone, the strange pineapple shaped one. He looked out from behind the boulder and saw Goliath Bo casually walking towards him. David took aim with his sling but decided that if he had to use this strange stone, he should at least save the pin, which ended in a rather attractive looking ring.

So David pulled out the pin and slung the rock at Goliath Bo. The rock made a strange metallic clanking sound as it bounced off of Goliath Bo's greaves and it fell to the ground afore him. David was about to run for the nearest maternity store when he heard the winds rush like stallions. Goliath Bo was consumed in a pillar of fire.

"Christ," thought David, "spontaneous human combustion. What luck!"

When the Philistine army saw the young Israeli boy had the power to turn their champion into fire they ran. The Israeli army, with new-found bravery, threw off their dresses, dug up the sword, and pursued the Philistines across the desert, forcing them into the sea where they all drowned.

This had been my guess at the story of David and Goliath.