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The
Marimba/Mr. Esq Letters
<- The Sese-Seko/Rita
Letters | Odds 'n' Nigerian Bank Scammer Sods ->
Introduction
"NOTE: PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (DI/06/02) IN ALL YOUR RESPONSES."
Reference number? It's as if this is a letter to your ISP's tech support. Gosh, Mr Icky, I thought you got my personal email from a valued mutual business associate and this was a discreet person-to-person request for assistance, not a high email volume enterprise that requires a reference number to track your, err, clients.
The second one came from a fellow with the hilarious name of "Marimba". Oh such possibilities. I emailed him back the standard "OH MY GOD TELL ME HOW I CAN HELP YOU!!!!!!!!" plea. To which he responded:
____________________________________________ From: "Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net> To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Tony,
Thanks for the quick response, this shows you are really ready to help.
However, due to certain reasons, I advise you to contact our family attorney on his direct roaming telephone number for further detail: 234-1-4813278 immediately.
His name is Barrister Mark Melford, he shall give you further update.
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: "Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net> Date:
| Thanks for the quick response, this shows you are really ready to help. | Thanks. | from Marimba Nkala
Dear Marimba,
I'm so glad you responded. I feared when I did not get an immediate reply that the worst had happened.
Please, if you will, refresh me as to the details of your situation. In my panic that a fellow human being was in such horrifying danger, I seem to have lost your original email.
p.s. Is Marimba your first name? Can I call you Martin instead?
Marimba quickly handed me over to his lawyer Mark Melford Esq. Yeah.
____________________________________________ From: melford_esq@justice.com To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Sir,
For your information,You are not helping me rather you are helping yourself and the Nkala family. Please note that it is very important to know your capability of handling a business of this magnitude. We intend to move this fund directly to Europe through a diplomatic company in Ghana and the only country in Europe they have a branch and can deliver the fund via consignment is Amsterdam The Netherland, and it shall be required of you to travel at the point of contact from the officers in Amsterdam once the fund arrives to come for the signing so that the fund be handed over to you.
From what I gathered from
Marimba, He has sent you a letter, please let me know if you are capable so
that I prepare an aggrement for all parties to sign so that I can travel to
I wait to hear from you.
Barr.M.Melford
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: melford_esq@justice.com Date:
| For your information,You are not helping me rather you | are helping yourself and the Nkala family.
Families are a wonderful thing. I
had a family once. Do you have a family Mr. Esq? I'd love to have the Nkala
family over when this is settled. Do you think they enjoy barbeque? Are they
vegetarian? I'm not sure my local Piggly Wiggly grocery store carries many
simulated tofu meat products. Anyway, even if they are vegetarian we can find
meat products that aren't very meat like that they will enjoy. Possibly Tyson
chicken nuggets. They are from
| Please note that it is very important to know your | capability of handling a business of this magnitude.
Magnets are involved?
| We intend to move this fund directly toEurope througha |
diplomatic company in | | consignment is Amsterdam The Netherland
| be required of you to travel at the point of contact |
from the officers in | come for the signing so that the fund be handed over to | you.
| From what I gathered from Marimba
He's a good chap! (see I'm already talking like a European) Will he let me call him Martin? I asked him this in a previous email but he's failed to get back to me. I feared they "got" him. But now that I know you're on the case, Mr. Esq, I can see Martin (aka Marimba) is in good hands.
| prepare an aggrement for all parties to sign so that I | can
travel to | I wait to hear from you.
Yes please formalize this agreement while our current synergies allow us to globalizing our mindsets and repurpose the supply-chain (wink wink). I look forward to continuity in this arrangement and your initiating the deal optimization. What's important to me is working with someone who can emphasize innovative stability. But prudence demands we face the veracity: at the end of the day does this scale? I'll look forward to your impactful delivery of this action-item paradigm we've benchmarked. I hope I'm not being too granular.
____________________________________________ From: melford_esq@justice.com To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Sir,
For your mail,I failed to understand or see the answer to my question of your capabilty of handling this project,at 51yrs,I do not have time to waste. If you are capable,then introduce your self properly instaed of writting like a poet or I 'll have to advice the family to seek help else where.
Thank You. Barr.M.Melford
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: melford_esq@justice.com Date:
My dear Mr. Esq,
| instaed of writting like a poet
Perhaps I misread the tone of
your email but let me state up front that I highly resent the implication I
am a poet. I had a son-in-law who was a poet and he cost me a great deal of
money. Apparently, to a poet "loan" some how rhymes with
"never pay back, get my 17-year-old daughter pregnant, and leave her
with two children in a trailer park in
| If you are capable,then introduce your self properly
I have paid Martin (aka Marimba)
and the Nkala family every honor, including inviting them over for a barbeque
and offering to search for a grocery store with vegetarian tofu simulated
meat products. It's conceivable in
In any regard, we are a proud barbequing people, sir, and we (I) do not take kindly to your kind of sniveling implications that I'm a poet or the offerings of my charcoal pit are not worthy of the Nkala family and dear Martin.
| I 'll have to advice the family to seek help else where.
I question dear Martin's wisdom
in retaining you as a lawyer. The first chance I get I shall email him
personally and "advice" him to get better counsel. You're rude,
sir. I have half a mind to report your insolent behavior to the Justice
League of
| I failed to understand or see the answer to my question
You, Mr. Esq, have failed to answer a single one of my questions. Need I remind you it is MY help you seek? At age 58, thrice divorced, I'm not in the business of willy nilly answering a lawyer's questions without having a great number of MY questions answered first.
Let me lay them out for you -- again -- and I certainly expect an answer this time.
1. When I
travel to 2. Can I call him Martin? 3. Is the Nkala family vegetarian? 4. Does Martin have an unmarried sister aged 18-24? Is she supple? Can I have her email? 5. Are magnets involved? 6. I realize, having been divorced three times, that a lawyer's time is valuable but there is a great deal of money at stake here, including the future of Martin (aka Marimba) and the Nkala family. I should think you could take a moment to answer.
Now shall we contextualize this paradigm or shall it forever remain a rubicon of the neosemiotic? My offer of help is not mythopoetical. In much the same way Susan Sontag believes constructivism can modify art, I believe if you can contextually shift your postpatriarchial approach to a truly interpolated "Baudrillardist simulacra" (wink wink), we can resolve this materialist deappropriation without the Lacanist obscurities that have infused and obfuscated the dialectic.
Are we in agreement?
____________________________________________ From: melford_esq@justice.com To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Sir/Ma,
From your last me,I do not think
we have all the time to waste. If you are ready to work on this project, them
inform me. You will be travelling to
Regards,
Barr.M.Melford
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: melford_esq@justice.com Date:
| Dear Sir/Ma,
Mr. Esq, first you call me a poet and now you call me "ma". If this is some crack at my manhood, I am yet again further insulted! I should like to punch you in the face, Mr Esq, if this is the case! Explain yourself!
| From your last me, I do not think we have all the time | to waste.
Agreed. I have not heard from
Martin (aka Marimba) in several days, which I can only take as a sign of
great urgency! Because I fear you've been dragging your heels (do they wear
shoes in
July 27, I'll be traveling
British Airways flight 114 from
Because I fear secrecy is required in this endeavor, I'm traveling under the name of "Dr. Galakowitz" (pronounced "Galewekitch"). If you would like to meet me at the airport, I have an idea how we can meet.
Please prepare a large sign with my assumed name
"Galakowitz" printed on it (use the English alphabet not the
African alphabet). I will approach the sign holder and say, "Do you have
any Grolsch lite in your vehicle?" (Has the advertising industry
destroyed the English language in
"Yes I am."
Please do not be put off by my smug boyish charming appearance at that point.
If you miss me at the airport, I've reserved a room from July 27 to August 6 at the AMS Hofpark Hotel (located at Koninginneweg 34-36). I will sign in as Mr. Smith. I'm staying in the Jan Hammer suite.
Do you enjoy new age music?
I'm bringing with me US$40,000.
Do you know of a money exchange in
I look forward to meeting you, Mr Esq, on July 26. However, don't be a jerk in real life or I will punch you in the face.
____________________________________________ From: melford_esq@justice.com To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Tony,
It seems you are not
understanding me. If you are really serious about helping out, I shall use
the diplomatic company in Ghana move the fund to their office in Amsterdam in
a diplomatic consignment and there you shall go to sign for the consigment to
be handed over to you but first, I have given you my number and up till now
you have not called me. The officials in
They shall at your request assist you in putting the money in a bank account that you shall provide pending when the family will come over to meet with you. Call me or give me you tel numbers so that I can call you if you are real. For your information, I am in touch with marimba and his family. You can contact him to find out....
Your Sincerely,
Barr.M.Melford
I let Mr. Esq. sweat for a day. He quickly sent me a second email and his tone seemed a bit more polite. At the very least, he stopped comparing me to a chick.
____________________________________________ From: melford_esq@justice.com To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Tony,
Still expecting to hear from you. I am willing to move the fund through the company as soo as you show interest and understanding.
I hope you are in good health.
Your Truly,
Barr.M.Melford
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: melford_esq@justice.com Date:
|
company in | | shall go to sign for the consigment to be handed over
Exactly. Such is why I'm heading
to
| to you but first, I have given you my number and up till | now
you have not called me. The officials in | shall be using your tell number to contact you to | inform you that the consignment arrived safely and they | shall book appointment with you to come forward for the | signing.
Better yet, have your representative meet me when my plane arrives. Forward him the information I gave to you regarding flight times and the correct name to put on the sign (i.e., "Galakowitz"). Mr. Esq, I really think this is the best way to handle this.
| They shall at your request assist you in putting the | money in a bank account that you shall provide pending | when the family will come over to meet with you.
Has Martin (aka Marimba) left for
Do you enjoy bowling? Do you enjoy talking about humanism?
Only 10 more days til departure. This is so exciting, Mr. Esq!
On second thought, I might travel
to
Peace out, Mr. Esq! Word to yo' mutha!
Meanwhile, I've been sending Marimba (aka Martin) back channel emails complaining about his lawyer.
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net> Date:
Martin, I'm still coming to Amersterdam July 27. I think it's best we cut Mr Esq out of the deal (he's the worst lawyer on the face of the earth) and you and I work this out one on one. What do you say, partner?
Marimba was oddly silent until I sent emails suggesting I might unwittingly go blabbing about his scam to the Dutch authorities.
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net> Date:
Martin your silence is troubling. I'm beginning
to suspect your crappy lawyer, Mr. Esq, has taken advantage of you, hidden
you in a box, or even killed you (and then hid you in a box). If I don't hear
from you by July 24 or you, your sister, Mr. Esq, or someone representing the
Nkala family doesn't meet me at the airport July 26, I will know your fate
was sealed by that crappy lawyer Mr Esq. I promise you I will then alert the
You will not perish at his hands, I promise you. I will protect you Martin or at least find your real killers. You will not be forgotten Martin and no one will believe you "accidentally" fell out of a helicopter.
____________________________________________ From: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> To: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net> Date:
Martin I'm beginning to think Mr. Esq has
kidnapped you. If he lets you still read your email, I assure you I will
begin my search for you as soon as I arrive in
I will save you Martin.
Marimba finally responds!
____________________________________________ From: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net> To: "Tony Morrel" <me9000@hotmail.com> Date:
Dear Tony Morrel,
First and foremost, I will apologize for the long silence.
However, this is due to the illness my mother is going through (Mrs. Cecilia Nkala) I do hope you will understand. Note, he did not kidnapp me (he smiles) I am okay just my mother.
Thanks for the mail all this while.
Yours.
Marimba
<- The Sese-Seko/Rita Letters | Odds 'n' Nigerian Bank Scammer
Sods ->
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[Karl's Home]
[White Label Humour]
[Dating Explained] [Franglais] [Help Spread Karl]
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had a bit of a lull in the Nigerian Bank Scammer
emails. I figured it was because they knew the cat was out of the bag. Too
many suckers were getting a clue. But then I got hit with three. Actually
it's more like two. One was from what I can only suspect is some sort of
newly automated bank scamming software. A "Dr. Daniel Ike" sent me
the standard email about $30 million in an account, 
